There have been periods of many years when I was monogamous, 10 years in particular during which our two children were born. Other than this issue, he makes life perfect for me and our family. How can I fix this?
I want to explore this contradiction, because I sense it holds the key to understanding your inner struggle. It sounds as though you are living in two emotional worlds that are difficult to reconcile. On one hand, you have built a life with a loving, attentive partner and your children.
On the other, you still seek something outside that relationship, something that one-night stands provide β what? A sense of excitement or freedom? But what do these fleeting encounters give you that your long-term relationship does not? I wonder whether that is more than just sexual thrill.
Could it be tied to a deeper emotional need, perhaps related to your sense of self-worth, desire for validation, or avoidance of intimacy? Individuals with low self-esteem tend to seek external validation to momentarily boost their self-worth, but such validation is rarely lasting.
In fact, forcing your partner into a commitment like marriage when he already feels hurt by your actions may make things worse. You need to work on yourself. Not for him, not for your kids, but for you. You need to understand the original injuries, perhaps from your past, perhaps from childhood, that led you to believe you need this constant external validation. A therapist can help you explore why your attachment to him feels so fragile, why you turn away from a stable, loving relationship and into the arms of strangers.
