On 11 January I went for a routine test and was diagnosed with bowel cancer. Time twisted, speeding up and slowing down. My emotions bounced between terror and numbness. I was shocked and scared. My body tensed, creating a useless armour, and I wanted to run away, or do nothing, to freeze in sedentary fear.
These were not the perfect conditions in which to dance. But dancing was, I knew, the thing I had to do. There is abundant evidence that dancing changes the way people think, feel and behave. Science has shown what dancers have known for centuries, that dancing can lead to positive changes in our physical and mental wellbeing. I didn't know it at the time, but I had three weeks between diagnosis and surgery and, following doctor's orders, I needed to be as fit and strong as possible.
As we were in the middle of a national lockdown, and all dance studios and gyms were closed, I had to do this at home. For physical fitness I used a daily dance workout, one that would work all the major muscle groups and gently raise my heart rate. I used a musical theatre DVD workout called Broadway. I loved this because the teacher, and the other dancers onscreen, were happy and engaging, the music was great and it had a fantasy Broadway feel. I needed fitness mixed with escapism.
On top of the cardio-vascular benefits of dancing daily, I needed to get out of my head. I was spending too much time catastrophising, thinking about the worst-case scenario of cancer, imagining how my seven year old son would grow up without his father. I'd turn the music up loud, I'd be on that Broadway stage, and, sometimes through a veil of tears, with the help of "ONE! Singular sensation" I'd escape from my negative thoughts.
For physical connection I danced with my wife. We held each other, we breathed in time, and we moved in synchrony. Fear and loneliness seemed to dissipate with an embrace. For moments of physical and mental calm, order and discipline, I did a daily ballet class. I have always loved the Cecchetti technique. Something about the connection between the body and the breath, the discipline, expansiveness and expression, I particularly love the port de bras exercises. Ballet helped me to get my thoughts in order, to be practical and methodical about all the medical tests I had to undergo.
