Things usually start out very civil. Around minute 4 or 5 however, something shifts. Things take a marked turn and their conversation becomes much more confrontational. Sometimes, by the end of the 10 minutes, the couple is straight up pissed off at each other. What if when there was conflict, you knew how to calmly own your own truth, while being open and curious about what your partner was sharing? What if your communication led to deeper understanding, compassion, and connection with your partner, your kids, and others?
Most men agree this would be amazing. Before you solve the problem though - you have to know what the actual problem is. As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winson-Salem, North Carolina who works with men and couples, I have seen my share of conflict and poor communication.
I can even tell you, pretty quickly, what a main communication problem boils down to, and how to fix it. People may use different words. People may complain about different topics. But when it all comes down to it, there are just two simple ways that most people communicate:.
This is what The Blame Game is. When all you can do is blame someone else or yourself. Again, for most of the men I see in my counseling practice, their relationships play out in the same exact predictable way. You can change the person, you can swap the topic, but the same underlying pattern plays out again and again. It goes like this:.
It all comes out. A few minutes, hours, or days after the explosion, a sense of regret and shame sets in. The man shifts internally from blaming his partner, to blaming himself. Why did I need to explode? Why did I make such a big deal out of nothing?
