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Saint John Bosco is well known for his work with disadvantaged youth and his innovative educational methods. His methods are still used today in many Catholic schools, especially by the Salesian order which he founded. As a former teacher, I looked up to John Bosco. No doubt, too, it is much more gratifying β to our pride to punish those who resist us, than to bear them with firm kindness. Thus it is known that a reproachful look is more effective than a blow.
Yet, it was hard not to take things my young child did personally. But I thought about what John Bosco said. Almost every time I yelled, my child could see I had lost control. It was obvious. And yelling never worked. After some reflection, I realized I needed to control my passions better. This did not equate to permissiveness. I still had to discipline my child, maybe even physically restrain them as necessary for their safety and others. Once I began responding calmly and not taking their insults personally, it was much easier to calm them down.
Once the tantrum was diffused, we could talk about the situation in age-appropriate terms and brainstorm ways they could more appropriately respond in the future. And yes, I had success with this even when my children were as young as two. Toddlers may not be at the age of reason yet. I am not saying all tantrums ceased, but I saw significant improvement in behavior. And, on top of improved behavior in my children, I found myself far less anxious and irritable, and far more at peace.
Once I started seeing my child with compassion and as someone who was struggling and needing my help, it was a lot easier for me to be patient with them. We also have further developed brains, can self-regulate better, and think more logically. Of course, the world is harsh, but showing compassion will not make for a child who cannot handle suffering. By giving them tools to help regulate and work through their emotions instead of repressing them for fear of being barked at, we set them up for success.
It takes great patience to avoid irritation by what we perceive to be petty upsets. I have seen great fruit in handling those tantrums with patience. I let my child be upset and work through their emotions. Then I might take them to a corner of the house or out for fresh air.